"I'VE GOT SOLE - AN ODE TO MY BOOTS"
From hell to Heaven in the blink of an eye
That is the way my racing thoughts fly
When I look at the month of long struggles I’ve had
Of times that were rough, of nights long and sad
And my mind starts to turn to an unhappy place
There is one bright spot, that brings a smile to my face
I GOT MY BOOTS…..AHH
My holiday season started out as it should
With Thanksgiving, but not one that was good
My wish and my dream was a peaceful nights stay
In a Chicago hotel and museums the next day
No cooking, no stress, no in laws, no bother
No long drawn out, non-drinking dinners with mother
But this did not happen, we had the whole deal
The guilt trips, the bitching and, oh yes, the meal!
BUT….
I GOT MY BOOTS….AHHH
Next in my timeline of holiday fun
Came barfing and bathroom trips (not number one)
I spent 24 hours feeling like hell
My beautiful toilet, I know it all too well
We became fast friends, that bowl and I
As I sat down or hunched over and prayed I would die
BUT
I GOT MY BOOTS…..AHHHH
I had to go on a conference that week
If I canceled last minute, my dear friend would freak
So I dragged my sick ass to Chicago again
Sat through eight hour meetings, I thought wouldn’t end
Two days worth of meetings on boys who are “mean”,
Um…Do you know where I work?, Do you know what I’ve seen?
So I wasted my time and was so sick and tired,
But what can you do when its go or get fired?
BUT
I GOT MY BOOTS…..AHHHHH
Upon coming home from my long, boring meeting
I felt some relief, but alas, it was fleeting
You see, I drove through a blizzard to get to my door
After all that stress, I wanted nothing more
Than to spend time with my kids, talk, rest and play
And decorate my house for the coming holiday
So I opened my door and said “Hi, I'm home”
And it was like I stepped into the next twilight zone!
BUT
I GOT MY BOOTS…..AHHHHHHHH
My comfort, my lived in appeal was no more
And there was a strange new wreath hanging on my front door
That’s right satan’s elves had struck in my house
And not a damn thing was dirty! (not even a mouse)
Sterile is how they left my abode
The counter, the carpet and yes the commode’
Perhaps the biggest kick is the ass
Was the new Christmas stuff, that had appeared just as fast
BUT
I GOT MY BOOTS….AHHHHHHHHHHH
Speaking of ass, it was around this time
That there was a small problem with that dog of mine
An impacted anus to be more precise
And fleas up there too, now isn’t that nice?
So I let Roxy down too, much to my shame
And she has never looked at me exactly the same
BUT
I GOT MY BOOTS….AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Last week of work, I thought, I can make it
Then I got sick again, thought GOD, I CAN’T TAKE IT!
Missed work for a week at home in my bed
Checked in to a hospital so I didn’t end up dead.
It was there that I met Wanda and Delores
And then they did surgery on my (rhymes with flitorous)…..Just kidding
Delores wore depends and liked dirty movies
Wanda had a bed pan, but could wipe her own booty
BUT
I GOT MY BOOTS….AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I finally come home, but missed Christmas Eve
And Christmas Day I slept more than you could believe
My entire break, I was too tired even too drink
Really didn’t even have the energy to think
Of course I still had to have sex, and perform wifely duties
Wipe snotty noses and wash stinky booties
Then to top it all off for my holiday thrill,
My husband and both kids, of course, all fell ill.
As I tended to my loved ones, and my mind started to go
I remembered those boots, and how I love them so
For better, for worse in good times and bad
I will be here for you boots, you’re all I truly have
